Days and other days

It’s funny: most of my friends’ blogs have turned into accounts of their lives in reality, chronicles of the everyday, of projects, goals acheived, of the mundane. I don’t mean to say this to discredit or disregard them, nor to say this journal has never veered into that territory; in fact, I might say that the majority if the content of this blog has been merely a retelling of my daily events.

There are times, however, that I have more difficult or complex things to express, emotional topics or thoughts about the direction of my life. It used to be that when I’d write posts in that arena, I did so unselfconsciously, using the words to lay out, if not fully explain, how or what I was feeling. Now, though, I stop and wonder, “Is it OK, is it normal for me to be putting this into words let alone out for everyone to see?” I’m 26 now, after all, and shouldn’t I be more grounded?

Truth be told, I don’t feel grounded at all. I’ve never felt more out of control than I do now. That’s not to say my life is wild; I simply lack control over many of the factors in my life. It is in some ways like the life of a child, something for which I’ve heard many people express desire. (Let me reassure you: you can’t, and don’t want to, go back.) I think in part this contributes a great deal to the overwhelmingly emotional melodrama I experience on a near-daily basis, and I wonder if I only thought I’d grow out of it, if I never will, if anyone ever does or if it’s just the thin veneer of adulthood applied over top of our teenaged psyches that gives the appearance of composure and control.

I suppose, then, that these posts more than any others are the ones that matter to me. Sure, it’s nice to be able to look back and reminisce on past happenings, but these are topics I want confirmation on or communication about right now. It’s not that I’m looking for answers; if I thought anyone actually had any answers I’d have just Googled them. A simple acknowldgement, a you’re-not-crazy-or-stupid is more than enough.

Posted on January 4th, 2009 in Life | 3 Comments

The fix

Late nights don’t lend themselves to solutions. Caffeine doesn’t wake you up any better than a good game of chicken. It’s cold in winter, depending on where you live.

When I’m feeling motivated, I can burn through a task. There is nothing stopping me from realizing my potential to create. I am not unique, yet I am confident my chemistry is quite mine.

Posted on January 3rd, 2009 in Life | 1 Comment

Hey

We’re all humans.

Posted on November 2nd, 2008 in Life | 2 Comments

Cars

I find myself seated in the waiting area of the nearby Saturn dealership. Let me be the first to say that hell doesn’t need any kind of special reception area: it could simply send people here. Initially I was excited to see what appeared to be a different and thoroughly professional experience ahead of me, but when the very detailed report of my issues that I had described (humiliatingly) over the phone last week was nowhere to be found, along with any record of my appointment, my high hopes shrank to infinitesimal ones. After describing all the sounds my vehicle is making again (humiliatingly), I was presented with a promised bill of at least $89.95 for diagnostic time and asked to watch this horrible mother enact her corporal punishment fantasies on her poorly mannered youngster. I need to be more careful about letting myself get stuck in these situations. When the gut say run, you run.

Also I can’t wait to move to a city and get free of the four-wheeled tyrant.

Posted on October 15th, 2008 in Life | 2 Comments

Age

If you didn’t know me, and I told you I was taking my evening sherry and retiring to bed now, at 7:16 pm, how old would you guess me to be?

Posted on October 13th, 2008 in Life | 3 Comments